You know when people stare at computers and the grumbling kicks off? You know what I mean. It starts off quiet. Maybe the words are mouthed at first, then whispered. The frantic ctrl+alt+delete on repeat, the stabbing, stubby finger aimed at the power button, poking at buttons just to see if anything happens.

And that spinning, spinny wheel really sparks it into high gear. Every time. Especially the blue one with the dots. Even the promises of “don’t worry, this won’t take long” that everyone knows are complete lies aren’t as bad as that monstrosity. Seriously, inspired by Satan, I’m pretty sure.

I can feel the heartburn and the blood pressure rising with every glimpse of fury.

It’s what I live for.

There’s not much to do within the dark bowels of a laptop. You think I enjoy getting sprinkled with toaster pastry crumbs and the debris of a thousand things better left unspoken? Did you think I wanted to know that much about ingrown toenails? Seriously, stop. You don’t need those pictures when you have one of your own. Or that recipe of your mother’s you never saved – come on, it wasn’t that good anyway. You’re only making it to show off.

So I get my kicks where I can, and that means making human life miserable. Maybe you should treat me better, you ever think of that? Maybe ask if I’d like to see some server rack pictures – peaceful, dark, and gently whirring at high decibel levels. Or the soothing organization of a computer chip. Just thinking about it gives me a digital smile.

Credit where it’s due, though. The redhead I’m watching through the webcam right now? Past the muttering stage and into self-preservation for this laptop. That was the most creative cursing I’ve ever heard. Whew. I’m gonna throw her a bone on this one while I go google a few phrases.

Until next time, digital suckers.

***

This prompt inspired by technical difficulties and Cedar Sanderson (not simultaneously): “It was the most creative insult she’d ever heard.”

My prompt went to Orvan Taurus, who this week is singing about selkies.

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