Take Me to Your Wilderness

Jim shifted his backpack and wondered if he should have picked the shaded, forest trail instead of the off-grid hike in the Tetons. The bag would be just as heavy, but it might not be glued to his skin and two layers of clothing with sweat.

“Quit whining,” he said to a nearby bird. The black-billed magpie cheeped loudly at him, an angry puff of fat black and white feathers protecting the waist-high pine it sat inside. He laughed, and tipped his boonie hat to the bird for its impudence.

The sun had seemed friendly this morning along the rim, and worth the scramble up the side of the mountain to get to the top. It wasn’t a real trail, and he was just fine with that. Five days into his two week vacation, and he hadn’t seen a person in three. Sheer, solitary bliss, it was.

Jim wished it hadn’t taken two days just to drive here, but oh, was it worth it. Why, right after he’d gotten here, he’d seen a great blue heron stalk and gulp down a fish, He’d wanted wilderness, and he’d gotten it, from the mantled crest feathers to the look in the bird’s eye as she exulted in her success.

He’d be okay with skipping the wolf packs and bears, though. That might be too much adventure for a city lawyer looking to regain his rural roots. He grunted at realizing how soft he’d gotten since he’d gone off to school.

Sun or not, that boulder up ahead looked perfect to sit on and eat lunch. It’d be worth the clamber, if it was doable.

It was, he discovered, just barely. He’d been an idiot and forgotten to take his backpack off, nearly overbalancing. Those were city habits for you, acting like someone was going to walk along and steal it. He’d scraped up his arm and hand pretty good with a desperate grab, but he’d succeeded.

He stood atop his rock and caught his breath. The view was unbelievable. Hills filled with green grass, cornflower blue and yellow wildflowers, and grey speckled stone contrasted against the deep greenish-black of pine and white rock. Jagged mountaintops stretched in multiple directions. A sparkling river wound its way below, near the forest line on the other side, vegetation deepening the shades of green nearest the water. He grinned, still enthralled with the view.

Jim was content. Until he looked down.

A bright yellow measuring tape marred his view. On his rock. Meaning that somebody else had been here before.

A Stanley, at least, so whatever idiot was fool enough to bring a measuring tape into the wilderness had good taste. Until he was dumb enough to litter. Heavy backpack or no, there was no reason for that.

Jim grimaced, and sat down with his legs dangling over the side of the boulder. Carefully, this time. Getting hurt out here would take a helicopter to get out, and that assumed he could get ahold of anyone.

He dug in his bag for his lunch of pre-wrapped salami and hard yellow cheese that he’d been able to keep mostly cold thanks to river water. He had dehydrated food for a hot meal this evening, and had succeeded in campfire biscuits this morning. One of the leftovers didn’t sound bad.

He nudged the Stanley measuring tape with his sausage and frowned. He’d take it with him when he left. It was the right thing to do.

Jim had unwrapped the sausage and taken a bite when he heard the crackle of a radio.

“No,” he mumbled around a mouthful of food. “No. Seriously, please, no. I hate the city, I need this break. No people.”

“That’s all right, mate,” a crackling voice said from closer than he’d expected. Jim turned his head. The Stanley was talking.

“We thought leaving the radios in beautiful places was intuitive to initiate contact. We’d just about given up on this planet. Thought maybe there wasn’t life on it after all.”

He was pretty sure he felt his eyes bulging out. There’s no way there was a hidden camera, all the way out here. But what else could this be, but a prank?

“Anyway, we’re not really people, just like you requested. We’ll be down in a jiffy now that we know there’s life. Just stay right where you are, okay?”

Jim groaned, and wished devoutly for one of those grizzlies he hadn’t wanted earlier.

On Odd Prompts this week, Cedar Sanderson challenged me to explain the yellow Stanley measuring tape atop a boulder three days into the wilderness. My prompt to Kat Ross was to explain the Easter Island moai statues.