Archive No. 41,573. Provenance confirmed as an early journal entry of General Barstein, dated 01.05.2037 (rank at the time of documentation: Captain, United States Space Force).

5 January 2037

In retrospect, there’s no good way to explain the horror of the Toy Wars.

Retrospect. As if the nightmare’s already over. Let me add a snort of derision here.

I’ve barely made Captain, and I’m still hung over from the promotion party, but Trace was right. Once you’ve pinned on, nobody knows if you’re brand new or six years in and about to pin on Major. And even the newest of us Captain types (yeah, yeah, I’ve heard the “double Lieutenant” jokes) can tell this’ll go on for years before we’re close to winning. The older O3s – what’s left of them – are starting to look cynical, with creases at their eyes a few years too early.

Well, us noobs* can also tell that we let the propaganda get away from us.

*Editor’s note. Noobs: An archaic term referencing a participant’s newness to a task at hand. Often seen in groups known as swarms, and easily identifiable by the “noobs'” lack of practical knowledge regarding task completion or desire to complete the task by themselves. Contextual meaning: Likely self-mockery, given Gen Barstein’s company grade officer (i.e., low) rank at the time of data entry.

Toy Wars. Come on. Like it’s as low-stakes as those cartoons that my mom used to go on about.

It sounds wild, doesn’t it? Absolutely ridiculous.

Whatever pixie dust sprinkled on those first bits of plastic, from the day the first toy dragon came to life…I bet it was before then, and someone only noticed because a fire started. We couldn’t stop it, because patient zero was never found. Some idiot played with DNA computing, and boom, cross contamination.

Dolls strangling children in their cribs. Plastic toy soldiers found in veterans’ libraries, studying strategy and running field exercises. 3D-printed dinosaurs biting your ankles, which sounds hilarious until you realize the teeth are real, and you’re bleeding, and that little bastard’s ready to eat you alive.

Little kids, blinded by toys that go pew-pew, run over by trucks blaring ice-cream happy music, lured into traps to catch one last virtual critter that turned out to have too many teeth.

Even squishy toys got in on the action, stuffing themselves into open mouths at night.

Kids of the Last Generation having developmental delays, because what kid doesn’t use play to learn? You keep them away from plastic and a wooden stick serving in place of a poppet stabs them in the eye.

Against it all, the mothers screaming.

I remember the last year people had kids. The gullible believed the news, and swore off procreation. Others scoffed, and found out for themselves. Shattered the birth rate.

Annoys the crap out of me when people write down what everybody already knows, so why am I joining the hordes of people annotating their lives before they die in text as well as vids?

I aim to survive. Assuming I can accomplish that, I’m convinced the Space Force will have the solution. You’d think our size would help us win, but we’re outnumbered, but they don’t need to sleep, so they don’t stop.

It’s not like space lasers will help us win the fight. They’ve got those, too.

No, we’ve got to get off planet. And we’ve got to do it before we’re all too old to have children. And the lack of science lab proliferation in the toy departments finally works in humanity’s favor.

I think I made a discovery in the lab today. A big one. We’ll see if I’m right.

Because if I am, this changes everything.

Gen Linsey Bernstein (2015-2103) was the founder of the original Adeona asteroid belt colony and the inventor of early rapid terraforming technology.

The Verona Museum is grateful for the support provided by our generous sponsors that enable this special exhibit of early Toy Wars history:
The Honorable and Mrs James Persistia
Adelaide Ornstini
Smithers Horace and Family
Lady Winifred Jones and Sir Estegal Jones-Winfrey
The Mars Colony Society for the Preservation of Early Space History
The Toy Wars Veterans’ Association, Lodge No. 1105

***

This week, AC Young suggested I explore the day the toy dragon came alive, and I took it in a darker direction…even though I really wanted a live toy dragon as a kid!

My prompt went to nother Mike, who explored half a riddle. Find his response, and more, over at More Odds Than Ends – and don’t forget to get your entry in for the last prompts of 2023!